A Phoenix in Charlotte

Recently, I stumbled onto something that has the potential to change my life.  If confirmed, and I am certain it will be, it will explain so many things about me — from some mere quirks to a slew of lifelong problems.  I already feel better for having found the explanation.  After diagnosis, it will be time to work on fixing it.  So what did I find?  I have Adult ADD, or Adult ADHD.

If you’ve already met this with skepticism, thinking that it’s a made-up condition, either put that aside for a few minutes, or just stop reading.  I don’t need to convince you in order to feel at peace with this, so I don’t mind if you want to write it off.  If you’re game to keep reading, I’m going to list just some of the quirks and issues I have that fit with an ADD diagnosis.

Focus/concentration

• I am extremely impatient when people are trying to tell me something and don’t do so efficiently.  I desperately need them to get to the point, or my mind wanders.   Sometimes I go so far as to voice this need for speed, which is rude to others.  (Think of hand twirling…”Come on, get to the point already!”)
• I zone out of conversations quite often and go on my own tangent.  This does get noticed by others.
• I am terrible with names when I meet people.  I try to remember to repeat the name, or associate it with something else, but I’m so concerned with not making a poor impression that I don’t even hear the person’s name to begin with.
• I often completely miss when people are speaking directly to me because I have fixated on something else and have entered a trance.
• I have difficulty waiting my own turn when I think of something to say, and often find myself unwittingly interrupting others.
• I often find myself answering questions before the other person finishes asking them.
• I find it impossible to ‘linger’.  This means to stay around in a situation once its main goal is finished, such as sitting at a table and casually chatting after everyone is done with dinner.  I become highly agitated with this kind of open-ended banter and need to leave.
• I am always scanning my environment, looking at strangers in the background or noticing small details in the room instead of paying attention to others, no matter how hard I try to focus on what’s going on in front of me.
• I come on strongly to people, and then after a certain period, often lose interest in them.  This goes for friends, dates, coworkers, etc.  It is hyperfocus, followed by no or little interest.
• There is a vast change between my courtship behavior and how I act once settled into a relationship.  It is not my objective to become passive and take things for granted, but that is how it comes across.
• I tend to see things in an all-or-nothing perspective.  For instance, I view criticism of me as being called a total failure.
• I need a TV in the room for background noise in order to concentrate on other things, or else I become deafened by clutter during silence.
• I need the TV volume loud if I am trying to pay attention to it, or else I can’t stay focused on the show.
• I either demand absolute punctuality out of others (when I am hyperfocused), or I am late for things myself (lack of focus)
• I abhor ‘dead air’ on the telephone, and in fact detest phone conversations because of it.

Overclocked brain

• Boredom is my arch-enemy. I am like a sports car that is being used only for a daily commute.  I am constantly in search of ways to avoid boredom and exist at high speeds but do not function well at low speeds.
• Ruts and routines are the same thing to me.  I need constant stimulation, or else I have to shut down.
• I have always been viewed as extremely intelligent with great potential, but have never lived up to it.
• I remember trivial details of an incredible number of things for a long time, but have a terrible short- to medium-term memory.
• I have a very quick wit and sharp sense of humor, but I never remember any jokes.
• I can’t stand being alone unless I am hyper-focused on a highly engaging and rewarding activity.
• I enjoy, and sometimes abet in creating, crisis.  I feel I operate best in these zones.
• I procrastinate not because I’m lazy, but because I want the rush of urgency at the end.
• I have always had a feeling that I was destined to do something great, but I have never been able to grasp what that is or how I will realize it.
• I am often misunderstood and labeled as selfish, lazy, or mean when I am not trying to be that way at all.
• I have extremely high empathy for ‘innocents’ (those who I have not perceived to have wronged me) and extremely low empathy for those who I deem to have wronged me, such as someone who cuts me off in traffic.
• I seem to create conflict just for the rush of working it out.
• I have often been considered cold or uncaring to people that I really do or did care about at the time.

Fidgeting

• I am constantly hopping my leg or legs up and down rapidly while sitting.  Others find this annoying, but I am unable to stop for more than a few seconds at a time.
• I pace on the telephone.  Even on a corded phone, I will walk one or two steps, turn around, and continue pacing.
• I hold my arm straight up in the air when lying down in order to help me fall asleep.  I find the constant minor muscle motion to occupy my mind and help me calm down all the noise in my head.
• I bite my nails despite decades of trying to stop.
• I sing and whistle, ad libbing or making up lyrics to songs, in order to occupy myself.
• I lean back on the back two legs of chairs to balance.
• I prefer to stand when eating.
• I constantly am drinking something, be it water, coffee, or alcohol.

Organization

• I leave piles of clutter behind me everywhere.
• I am constantly misplacing personal effects, except for those which I have learned to never remove from pockets (wallet, keys, cell phone).
• I make terrible financial decisions and have poor restraint.
• I have lots of great ideas, but rarely follow them through once they bore me.
• I don’t finish most of the things I start.  Books, video games, and the like end up only 75-90% completed.
• I have to try really hard to force myself into doing mundane tasks with little immediate reward like shaving, making the bed, brushing my teeth at night, and the like.
• I can ace tests on nothing but intuition and background knowledge, but doing even simple homework is the most difficult task in the world.  In fact, I generally just didn’t do it when in school.

Vulnerabilities

• I am vulnerable to substance and behavior abuse.
• I am vulnerable to depression.
• I am vulnerable to Seasonal Affective Disorder.
• I have an abnormally high startle reflex that invokes 5 seconds or so of severe anger and fear.  It is similar to a PTSD repsonse.
• When I go on vacation — which is almost never because of poor financial impulse control — all abusive behaviors stop.  I’m totally engrossed in the new environment and am able to funtion the way most people normally do.

There are probably many more, but these are ones I have pulled from my reading so far and felt were suitable for publication.  I am going for an evaluation soon, so hopefully I’ll get professional confirmation.