I’ve been really disappointed lately to see how two-dimensional I’ve allowed myself to appear to others. While this has happened many times with TGAW over the last few weeks as I’ve branched out of my comfort zone and heard her question my desire — my ability, even — to enjoy new things, it really hit me last night. I was telling a friend of mine about some ideas I had for what I’d do with my life if things don’t turn out the way I want them to, and he seemed flabbergasted at my thoughts.
“That’s not you AT ALL! You’d hate that!” he said.
Who the hell is he to tell me what I’d hate? But my temporary anger is misdirected. I’m the one that let people define me by a series of statistics like you’d find on the back of a baseball card. 6′0″. Hangs out at bars with friends. Loves football and sports in general. Electronics enthusiast.
What a pathetic definition of a human being. It’s flat. It’s a character in a poorly written series of books targeted at adolescent misfits. It’s arid and lifeless. A breathing skeleton with no flesh. I cheated pigeonholed myself!
But I know that that’s not the whole of who I am. I’m a 3D, living being. I can’t be manifested solely by the creature comforts I’ve taken solace in. My taglines should be amorphous. I should be composed of curves instead of right angles. Loves new experiences. Will try anything. Helps because he can. Not easily discouraged. Pisses excellence.
That’s a person with some meat on his bones. Some real character. That’s a guy who actively enjoys life instead of passively biding his time until he dies, like a slave sold on Jesus and the afterlife. That’s an exploiter of the loopholes of The Mundane Existence. That’s the light I want to emit. I feel like that person resides within me. I don’t blame others for not seeing it. I don’t fault them for filing me away alphabetically. But I don’t have to like it.
Lest I appear overly concerned with the beliefs of others, I would like to point out that my use of their opinions of me is like that of a mirror. A mirror won’t define me, it will only reflect what I have exposed, or in this case, have hidden.
